Failing out of EMT School: A Reflection

 In the summer of 2022, I was attending an EMT class, and failed out during a practical exam. 

I realized that I had completely underestimated the difficulty – and effort – of EMT school. During the spring semester just before, I had completed the most difficult period in my life, taking 18 credit hours of classes (including my most difficult prerequisite courses yet), research, clubs, and pledging a fraternity, all at the same time. 


My success overshadowed any capacity I had to doubt myself, and in doing so, I had fallen to something that I viewed as a means to an end (EMT -> Clinical Hours -> Medical school).  And more importantly, it wasn’t due to some unfair circumstance outside of my control that caused this – my work ethic and smug attitude was to blame. 


Immediately after, I became restless and desperate to prove myself to my parents, who I had begged to help fund the classes. This drove me to apply to and work at two jobs, which I continued throughout the summer. Half of me was possessed by shame, and the other half, the emotional desire for vengeance, to drive back to that same EMS building, and to show up and show off a medical school acceptance. 


“Hah! You all doubted me! Look where I am now.” Probably. I wanted the approval of the chief instructor, who was himself someone who I greatly respected. But deep down, I knew that even if I was accepted to medical school and I was able to brag about it, I wouldn’t have the courage to go back to that place to experience the lazy Saturday afternoon lectures that I had trivialized. And even if I had the courage, what good could that do me? It’s not like their doubt caused my failure. Internalizing my own ego was more difficult than the failure itself. 

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